From me to His

(Trigger warning: some things in this testimony may be triggering for certain people.)

My childhood was not anything too unusual. I was the youngest boy in my family, with two older siblings—sister, brother, and little me. My sister is 16 years older than I; my brother is 10 years older. My sister is my half sister from my dad’s previous marriage. My home was not what I would call a Christian home. There wasn’t a practice of faith in the household, but my mom and I would go every other Sunday to visit my grandmother at her church. She was the most pleasant, peaceful, joyous person I've encountered in all my life. Whenever she looked at you, you felt like the most valued person in the world.  

My childhood friends, however, weren't the best. I was bullied constantly while I was growing up, because I was a peculiar, effeminate kid. I was accused of being gay and I was called girls’ names. I got beaten up a lot on the bus and at the playground, and I would be asked the question: “hey, how many friends do you have?” Those whom I thought were my friends would deny it a lot, and I didn't really understand a secure friendship anywhere—especially since there was a lot of betrayal from these so-called ‘friends.’  

My mom was my biggest fan. She could see the energy and creativity I had, and she always encouraged me. My dad helped instill deep character in me, and he gave me deep values of respect and honor. 

I got through middle school with physical and mental bruises, and I entered high school very shy and introverted. At a church retreat at the age of 16 I accepted Jesus into my life. I later became pretty outgoing and had many friends, because there was a new confidence that was built in me. When I was 18, however, I lost my mom to cancer right after high school graduation. I was absolutely devastated and didn't know where to go from there. 

A year after I started college, the self-harming habits (which started during the middle of my mom’s cancer struggle) continued to play a role in my life. I didn't really understand what it was, and people would have questions and suspicions, so I made it a point to hide them better. When one cut got too deep I went to the hospital for stitches, and then I checked myself into a mental institution. I was diagnosed with many different things: borderline personality disorder, Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, along with PTSD and an underlying eating disorder. The eating disorder wasn't because of my physical self-image, but another way to harm myself.   

In the process of dealing with all of this, I found a Christian community and was baptized in both water and the Spirit when I was 20. I learned more about being on fire for the Lord, and in 2014 I went to school to become a pastor. I was still dealing with negative thoughts and self-harm, and did not truly address these issues.

Come October 15, 2015, I was perusing YouTube in my off-campus apartment, and I came across an old band I remember getting into years back. I came to notice that one of the members of the band was a woman, when originally I had seen three men years prior. I came to find out that this member was transgender. This was back in 2015, so the understanding of transgender wasn't as widely talked about as it is in the culture now. After finding this out, I noticed this person had their own channel talking about their transition. So, I continued researching. The videos this person made were monthly updates of hormone therapy transitioning, and how they would feel as time moved on. I became captivated and couldn’t stop watching these videos. I started watching at around 10pm and finished at 6am. 

By the time I finished all the videos I was fully taken aback and thought to myself, “oh my gosh, am I transgender?” This all made so much sense. Growing up, I always admired women and idolized their beauty. I remember trying on dresses as a kid, in a camp dress-up play, and wondering about the possibility of living as a woman. I had to figure this out. And I had an idea. It was mid-October and I could use Halloween to experiment and tell people I lost a bet and had to go out dressed as a woman. So, I studied everything I knew about make-up and how to feminize the face. I got a wig and a few pieces of women’s clothes—once everything was put together I looked in the mirror and fell in love with what I saw. So, this is where my transgender journey started. A few days after Halloween, I created a separate Facebook account of myself dressed up as a woman and I made a different name. One of my friends found it and came to me, saying “this has gone too far.” They had an intervention for me. I went to the church renouncing this identity, and they all gathered around me and loved on me. 

However, a few weeks later I had a slip and had another serious episode with self-harm, and went back into the institution. This was the worst time and it was very traumatic. After my stay there, I went back home full of meds, and got a job as a barista. I went back into previous transgender habits and explored more. I told the people that worked there to employ me under a different name and use she/her pronouns. I found a wide accepting community and a home there, with colleagues that could embrace my transgender lifestyle. I would cross-dress on occasion, but I would generally dress as a man, because I was afraid of other people. Over time, I would go to parties and find bars where I showed up fully dressed as a woman. I got extremely good at makeup. At those times, I was unrecognizable to the world and to myself. 

Throughout these 7 years of gender confusion, I had three different relationships (all with women, though very rarely would I experiment with homosexual tendencies). In one relationship, we were borderline engaged. She found old pictures of me cross-dressing, but I told her that lifestyle was in the past. We, however, were sleeping together, and eventually my conscience got to me and I had to end the whole relationship, because I knew it was wrong to sleep together before we were married. So, I went right back into the cross-dressing lifestyle. I made a TikTok account and had many pictures on my phone of me in female outfits, with perfect lighting and makeup. I would spend hours looking at these photos and thought: “if only I looked this way naturally.” I would covet these photos—basically idolize them. Throughout all of this, my self-harm continued and I experimented with all forms of drugs. I smoked weed every single day—a blur of self-seeking. Yet, every Sunday I went to church and no one was the wiser. Only certain people knew about this hidden life of mine. I lived thinking: “well, I do believe in Jesus, and perhaps I was just made different. We take meds to help ourselves live better, and this must be the same type of thing as cross-dressing. Perhaps I was actually born a woman and just have to work this out on my own and believe in Jesus at the same time.” Yet, I still wouldn’t dress as a woman in public on a daily basis. I only cross-dressed at home alone, or on special occasions with particular people. The makeup and clothes took a lot of effort, and it was at times mentally exhausting to go through the rigmarole. 

Then one day I had COVID and was isolated in my apartment for three weeks. Three of those days I wanted to be “me,” and go to sleep in make-up and wake up that way. On the third day, I remember reaching down to pick something up off the floor, and suddenly I heard an audible voice that was so real and felt like it was coming from inside of me—yet I heard it like anyone else would. The voice said: “this is not the life I want for you.” I knew it was God, but I didn't want it to be; so I convinced myself otherwise and ran. One year later, I was in a different apartment and saw a book on the ground that I didn’t put there. It was a book about Christian living that I bought a long time ago. I missed the Lord and wanted to be on fire for him again, and so I picked it up and started to read. I eventually got to a part in the book where the author took a verse from the book of Revelation. In Revelation 3:15-16, Jesus said “I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot!  So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.” Once I read that, I hit the floor.  I said “Lord, take everything, take it all, all of me until I have nothing left but you!” I went through my phone and deleted all the trans photos I found, and started giving away all the cross-dressing clothes, the wigs, and the make-up. I was on my knees praying and I felt this  industrial earring in my ear, and I heard the Lord say: “What if you got rid of that too?”  And I said: “why? It is a conversation starter! People know me by that earring.” He said: “Do they know Me by that earring?” I fully agreed and took it out and threw it on the ground. I stopped smoking weed. I had to let go of friends and submerge myself into everything He showed me. I found a dear friend from old days—the one man I knew was the holiest person I could think of—and I had him mentor me. I went to his house multiple times every week. I did life with my mentor and devoured the Bible.

Now, as I write this, it is September 26, 2025. Since that day of repentance in 2022, I have had no self-harm incidents, no depression, and no PTSD. I've been off all medication for over a year. I know who I am. I am a man of God and can truly say I am the happiest I have ever been, because I didn't add Jesus to my life; I made Him my life. This world doesn't get to define me, Only He does! I am a son of the Most High God. Jesus, the Christ, is my King, my Life, my Hope. 

I am called to bring revival to the LGBTQ+ community and get people ready for the return of King Jesus. For He is Life and we will either be with Him or against him. He won't force anyone. However, all will have to stand before Him. Let us stand boldly as the body of Christ—as children of God.  Let us not rely on anything we can do, but “put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator” (Col. 3:10). 

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies it bears much fruit” (John 12:24).    

- Jesus, The Resurrection and The Life (John 11:25)